How the Ray Stole Zarcmas
by Donjusticia
Summary: Merry Zarcmas, everyone!


**DISCLAIMER!**

 **Donny is nuts. None of what he says or does should be taken seriously. Just accept his ridiculous Seasonal-special fanfic and pretend to appreciate it. "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" was written by Theodore Seuss Giesel and has been parodied so many times that I don't even know why a disclaimer is necessary at this point, unless there REALLY are a few ignorant gutter-trolls out there who think this is an original idea. Please support the official education of ignorant gutter-trolls by donating your hard-earned cash to a local existent charity or by sending cases of unmarked bills to my offshore bank accounts in the Camen Islands.**

 **How the Ray Stole Zarcmas**

Every duelist down in Duelville feared Zarcmas a lot…

But the Ray, who lived just north of Duelville, did NOT!

The Ray hated Zarcmas! The whole Zarcmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be that she was an angel of light.

It could be, perhaps, that her panties were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that her Zarc hadn't answered her calls.

But whatever the reason, her Zarc or pantsu,

She stood there on Zarcmas Eve, hating all duels.

Staring down from Leo's tower with a sour, Ray frown,

At the hard-light duel monsters below in the town.

For she knew every duel down in Duelville beneath

Would end in a destructive nuclear wreath.

"And Zarc will destroy them!" She snarled with a sneer,

"Tomorrow is Zarcmas! It's practically here!"

Then she growled with her Ray fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST find some way to stop Zarcmas from coming!"

For Tomorrow, she knew, every game girl and boy,

Would wake bright and early. They'd watch Zarc destroy!

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise!

Noise! Noise! Noise!

Zarc loved to annoy her with his NOISE!

NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

And Zarc'll roar dragon carols

Plunging Earth into peril!

He'd set Clear Wing to screaming!

And Odd-Eyes to scheming!

Starve Venom to howling!

Dark Rebellion to prowling!

They'd slice with bloody claws,

And chomp down with their jaws!

Bash people with tail whips,

Smash boats, trains, and airships!

They'd spit fountains of fire,

Making everyone expire!

And they'd play noisy games

Like Zarc Kamikaze…

…a duel monster mix of Lacrosse

and Croquet.

Supreme King Dragon Zarc: *Uses a giant hammer to whack a human into a nearby goal*

And then Zarc'll make

Earsplitting noises de luxe…

…when he plays Hotwheels

With full-size oil-tanker trucks!

Zarc: *Launches an oil tanker truck up a ramp into a hazardous chemical truck, creating a HUGE explosion.*

Then the duelists, fresh and dead, would be cooked for a feast.

And Zarc'd feast! And he'd feast! And he'd FEAST!

FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

He would feast on blood-pudding, and fine duelist meat.

Which was something Ray couldn't stomach in the least!

And THEN Zarc'd do something she liked least of all!

He, and his dragons, the tall and the small,

Zarc: Assuming that ANY of my dragons are small.

Would fly close together with Zarcmas nukes ringing.

They'd fly wing-to-wing. And the Dragons would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!

SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Ray thought of this whole Zarcmas thing.

The more the Ray thought, "I must kill the Supreme King!"

"Why for…

*looks down at her watch*

…fifty-three minutes I've put up with it now!

"I MUST stop this Zarcmas from coming! But HOW!?"

Leo: Hey, Ray, wanna check out these really cool nature cards I cooked up just now?

Then she got an idea! An awful idea!

THE RAY GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Ray sneered as she planned.

And she snatched the cards right out of Leos own hand.

And she chuckled, and clucked, "What a great little trick!"

"With these four nature cards, I'll see that Zarc's split!"

"All I need is a dragon…" The Ray looked around.

But, since Dragons are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the Ray? No! The Ray simply said,

"If I can't find a dragon, I'll dress up as one instead!"

So she fastened on wings. Then she took some red thread,

And tied a big horn on the top of her head.

Then she shuffled her deck and saw that Leo was dragged,

Deep into her closet, where he was tied up and gagged.

Then the Ray said, "SEE YA!" and immediately ran down,

Towards the cave where Zarc lay asnooze over town.

The cave entrance was dark. Zarc's snoring filled the air.

The Supreme King was dreaming sweet dreams without care.

When she came to the entryway just outside his lair.

"We'll see who's number one!" the fake Dragon-Ray hissed,

And she climbed to Zarc's roof, the four cards in her fist.

She got stuck in his chimney, (it wasn't her day…)

But if Santa could do it then so could the Ray.

She got soot in her mouth, for a moment or two.

Then she stuck her head out of the fireplace flue.

Where the little Zarc offerings all hung in a row.

Zarc Offering: *hanging upside-down by his ankles* Help…me!

"These offerings," Ray grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Zarc Offering: So, you mean you're going to free me or…MMMPH!

*Gets violently stuffed into Ray's sack*

Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, and she took all Zarc's presents!

Dark Wurm! And Astrograph! Trap Cards! Spells!

Action Cards! Pendulums! Duel Disks! Hair Gells!

And she stuffed them in bags. Then the Ray, very nimbly,

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then she slunk to the icebox. She took the King's feast!

She took the blood-pudding! She took the duelist meat!

She cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.

Why the Ray even took Zarc's can of Dragon hash!

Ray: I feel like I need a really memorable theme song for this heist about now.

Leo: *Hops into the room before removing the gag from his mouth*

Ray: DAD!? What are you doing here!?

Leo: Young lady, I do NOT approve of your antiques. You've forced your father's hand! Prepare for the most scathing lecture of your entire life!

Ray: Lecture?

Leo: Ahem! *in his best Thurl Ravenscroft impression*

 **You're a Mean One, Madame Ray**

 **(A totally original non-parody by Donjusticia)**

Leo: You're a mean one, Madame Ray

You really are a brat

You're as selfless as a miser, you're as charming as a bat, Madame Raaa-aay!

You're a spoiled tsundere and you're really quite flaaaat!

Ray: *hands on her hips* Excuse me!?

Leo: You're so immature, Madame Ray

Like a cranky, stanky child!

Your mission is a reckless one, your adventure's way to wild, Madame Raaaaa-aaaaaay!

If you keep on this destructive path without ceasing then, we can't be reconciled!

You're ungrateful, Madame Ray

You don't respect your dad!

You have broken father's tender heart, you're making me so sad, Madame Raaaa-aaay!

You're crazy antiques have driven up my blood-pressure to the point where, it's driving me maaaad!

Ray: Oh come on, Dad, you know I'm just trying to…

Leo: *interrupts her* You're disrespectful, Madame Ray

You'd really, upset your Mum!

You disregard my peace of my mind, and treat me like I'm scum, Madame Raaa-aay!

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, DIM! DITZ! DUMB!

Ray: *cracking her knuckles* Ok, you're just asking for it at this point, dad.

Leo: You're so vicious, Madame Ray

An undelightful, spiteful, blot!

You'd split apart your own boyfriend without a second thought, Madame Raaaaaaaaa-aaaaaay!

Your moral compass is an appalling jumble more confused than a magnet at the North Pole and more tangled up than a mangled-up Gordian Knoooooooot!

Ray: Oh come on! I'm the most moral person I know.

Leo: You're arrogant, Madame Ray

Like a puffed-up, dressed-up bard!

You think you are a savior, but this quest is way too hard, Madame Raaaa-aaaaaaaaaay!

See, the thing is you don't seem to understand that unless you're willing to end this universe and your own soul for the sake of a momentary fleeting revenge against your boyfriend, Zarc, then you REALLY SHOULDN'T USE THOSE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARDS!

Ray: Whatever *kicks Leo out of Zarc's cave* Ok, now that he's out of the way, again, time to get back to what I was doing.

She wrecked the King's house, but she still wanted more.

"And SO!" grinned the Ray, "I will split Zarc in four!"

And the Ray grabbed the cards, and they started to shine,

When, from up above, she heard a large dragon whine.

She turned around fast, and saw the Supreme King!

His tail was wagging, and he was pawing her fake wing.

Zarc had mistaken Ray for a seedy drake hoe.

And let's just say that his desire was starting to show.

He stared down at Ray and said, "Hey, baby, why,"

"Don't you come to my room, so you and I can…fly?"

Ray: *Shaking uncontrollably in her dragon outfit* Oh Egyptian Gods please no!

But you know, that old Ray was so smart and so slick,

She thought up a strategy and she thought it up quick!

Ray: *Activating the four cards* FOUR NATURE CARDS EX MACHINA NO JUTSU!

Zarc: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! *Explodes*

Her move split the king, from his tail to his head.

By the time the light faded, she was sure he was dead.

In his place lay four boys with dual-colored hair.

But did Ray stop to chat? No, she didn't dare!

In fact, she felt she COULDN'T! Her essence had faded.

Looking around she found she'd been trapped in four bracelets!

Wrapped round the arms of four bracelet-girl waifus,

Who'd curled up next to the boys and started to snooze.

A new world had begun…boys and girls, were a-bed,

Boys and waifus, all asnooze while Zarc and Ray both played dead,

Played dead through the years! Still waiting! Still pining!

Zarc was growing restless, in the girls, Ray was whining!

For fourteen long years, in the cramped bracelet spaces,

Ray watched the four girls, wishing she could trade places.

"Well, whatever!" Ray decided, nervously humming.

"At least I got my wish! No Zarcmas is coming!"

"Zarc's suffering more than I am! I know just what he'll do!"

"His mouth will hang open a minute or two,

Then the King and his dragons will all cry BooHoo!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Ray, "That I simply MUST hear!"

So she paused. And the Ray put a hand to her ear.

And she did hear a sound rising outside her cage.

It started out small. Then it started to rage!

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

She stared out her bracelet! The Ray popped her eyes!

Then she shook! What she saw was a shocking surprise!

Every duelist down in duelville, the tall and the small,

Were screaming! For Zarc had started a brawl!

She HADN'T stopped Zarcmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Ray, with her Ray-soul bound fast in her room,

Sat puzzling and puzzling: "Why's the world still doomed?"

"I took all Zarc's play cards! I took all his packs!"

I took all his dragon-cards, Astrographs, and life hacks!"

And she puzzled ten episodes, till her puzzler was sore.

Then the Ray thought of something she hadn't before!

"Maybe Zarcmas," she thought, "Doesn't come from a store."

"Maybe Zarcmas…perhaps…is a bit more hard-core!"

And what happened then? Well…in Duelville they say,

That the Ray broke out free from her bracelets that day!

And the minute her soul didn't feel quite so tight

She whizzed through the air, shining a bright light,

And she faced down the King! And she battled the beast!

Now she didn't mind Zarcmas, no, not in the least.

 **Merry Zarcmas everyone! May your nuclear fires be bright and your wishes of survival come true. This was truly fun to write. We have so much to thank the memetastic Zarc for when he decided to start his apocalypse on this holiday season. And now that I have successfully written this parody, all I have to do is write the OTHER obligatory Christmas parodies, "A Zarcmas Carol," "The Nightmare Before Zarcmas," "The Gift of the Astrograph Magi," and "Odd-Eyes the Odd-Colored Dragon." Oh my gosh…what have I gotten myself into!?**


End file.
